My Sins Have Me
by Books In the Blood
Summary: The Doctor wants to be happy after getting Rose back but finds his happiness hard to come by now that there is a half-human half-time lord on board traveling with them. After a few weeks of no sleep, the Doctor confronts the half human him and all of their issues come to a head, but not at all in the way he imagined.


_I planned this just as a one shot but might write a sequeal to it. So, let me know if you like it :)_

_Two weeks, 4 days, 13 hours, 25 minutes and 16 seconds….._The Doctor needed sleep. Though he didn't have much need for sleep, even his body was reaching the point of exhaustion. He should have been asleep, would have been, right this moment. If it hadn't been for _him. He _had been the reason that he hadn't slept this long. He should have been happy, should have been at peace. After all, Rose was back with him. Even now he could feel her presence rippling through the ship like a warm, calming wave. She was asleep right now, like he wanted to be. But the simple fact that she was here was a pure miracle. While he grieved the loss of Donna, the pain of losing his best friend, he had gotten back the woman who was his lover. He usually kept well stock of his emotions but the past two weeks they had been all over the place. Had he lost Rose again when he had lost Donna, he might not have been able to bear it. But he had managed, by a wonderful chance of fate, to get back his pink and yellow human. Unfortunately, he had also gotten _him _at the same time.

The Doctor walked lazily down the hallway toward the kitchen, almost too tired to move but too awake to sleep. He blamed _him _entirely; everything seemed off about his body now that he was here. Feeling mounting anger now simply at the thought of _him,_ the Doctor arrived at the kitchen. He began to make tea, knowing that tonight would be another futile attempt at sleep. When he turned around, he found himself face to face with _him._

"Can't sleep either?" John asked, taking the tea pot off of the stove and pouring himself a cup.

Irritation rose in the Doctor and he knew it was irrational but he couldn't help it. "No, actually, I can't. Does it show?" he asked gruffly, knowing that his face was drawn and pale and that he had dark bags under his eyes. John's face, though tired, looked completely healthy and full of color. He obviously hadn't been having trouble sleeping.

The Doctor had never wanted John at all. It was by pure twist of fate that he had been created. While he was thankful the man who shared his face had ended the threat with the Daleks, he had been alarmed at the blood lust he'd seen in John's eyes. He knew that anger, that hunger for blood. He'd had it so long ago but he had gotten past it. He didn't want to have anything to do with this man who obviously still had all of that anger and hate. His presence alone could cause trouble and the Doctor had found it to be true; nothing had gone right since he'd come aboard. It had been Rose's idea; she had insisted that they couldn't just leave him to fend for himself and that had been right. She had also been the one that had named him John. She seemed to think there was something cute about the two of them; twins she had called them, much to the Doctor's distaste. She was the only reason he hadn't done something drastic. John was unnatural, something that shouldn't exist. His time sense had been all wobbly and queasy since he'd come aboard; one version of himself was enough and two just complicated things.

"It was your distress that woke me up" John said casually leaning on the counter as he drank his tea.

The Doctor scowled. "So sorry to have disturbed you" he said sarcastically. "Believe me, I love staying up for weeks on end with no relief." He knew he sounded like a total arse. When Rose was around, he forced himself to be somewhat cordial to John. When she wasn't around, he didn't bother to hide his malice.

"You act like it's my fault" John said, for the first time picking up on the Doctor's annoyance. "You're the one that woke me up"

The Doctor hated that; John had a knack for just casually mentioning their unnatural bond. Rose thought it was cute; it creeped him out. Normally he would have liked sharing a telepathic bond with someone but there was something strange when that someone looked exactly like you.

"I didn't wake you up" The Doctor snapped at him. "I haven't slept in weeks. You have been able to sleep every night"

"Yeah, well, not very well" John said defensively. "Besides, I do need a bit more sleep than you"

The Doctor knew it was the fatigue but all he wanted to do was slap John across the face. "Then bloody go back to bed and I'll stay up alone with my thoughts…better that way anyhow" the Doctor grumbled. He turned away and walked out of the kitchen. He had made it to the console room before he heard the patter of John's bare feet behind him, then, his voice.

"I miss her too, you know"

The Doctor stopped, feeling his stomach drop. _Donna….._

"Don't you dare" The Doctor said, whipping around and walking up to John, feeling his anger rising to new heights as he thought of his best friend, the friend he would never see again. "Don't you dare stand there and act like you know how I feel. Don't act like you know what it feels like to lose her because you don't. She was my best friend and I'm never going to see her again. You…you didn't even know her"

John's face remained surprisingly stoic despite how angry the Doctor was. "I did know her" he said, his voice betraying emotion even though his face was still. "You keep forgetting we have all of the same memories. Everything you had with her, every moment you spent with her is in my memory too. I may not have had those experiences in the way you did but the memories are there and they hurt. She created me…..how could I not miss her?"

The Doctor felt his stomach churn painfully. He was very aware that Donna created him; there were so many things he did and said exactly like Donna would have. Every time he was reminded that it was John's creation that nearly destroyed Donna. She wasn't dead but she was a mere shell of the amazing person she had been. She would never know she was the most important person in the whole universe.

"Yeah, I know she created you" The Doctor said bitterly, "I'm very aware of that. I wish she hadn't. Had she not, I'd be here talking to her and not you."

John's face fell, as if the comment stung him; the Doctor didn't want to believe that it did. "So, why don't we get to the heart of the problem, why don't we?" He asked, visibly swallowing, his voice bitter.

"We just did" The Doctor said. "I didn't want you here…..you're only here because of Rose. I didn't want you, I still don't. I can't sleep, I can't even think properly because you're here. You are an impossible thing, something that should never exist. Your creation took my best friend away. I _hate _you"

The Doctor poured every ounce of malice into his voice that he could possibly muster. He didn't use the word' hate' lightly. He had always told everyone they were special, that they mattered. But he meant it; he hated John and everything he represented. He had hoped that the pure hatred dripping from his tone would have been enough to turn the other man away. Unfortunately, it didn't.

"I said, let's talk about the real issue here" John said, leaning back on the console as if this was just a causal conversation to him. "That's not it"

The Doctor felt his blood boil inside of him; John was toying with him and he hated that. He always acted like he knew exactly what he was thinking. "Oh yeah? I hate you isn't reason enough for me to be unhappy about you being here?" the Doctor asked with heavy sarcasm, crossing his arms over his chest. "Tell me, then, what is the _real _issue?"

John paused for a moment, looking at his pseudo twin. "You hate yourself" he said simply.

The Doctor was so taken back by this response that he spoke before he composed himself enough to be sassy. "What?" he asked in surprise.

John looked as calm as ever, which was infuriating. "The real issue isn't that you hate me, it's that you hate yourself" he said. "You think I don't know? How many times do I have to tell you I have all of your memories; I know the hate that dwells inside of you. You don't hate me; you hate that I remind you of yourself. I'm a walking, living, breathing reminder of what you are and you hate it"

The Doctor couldn't accept that as being the truth; while he knew had a great deal of self-hatred, that wasn't the problem here. "No…..that is not the problem" the Doctor insisted. "I hate you, not myself. If that was the problem I'd being taking it out on myself. I'm arguing with you because I hate you."

"Would you stop lying to yourself?" John asked, standing up and moving close to the Doctor, his voice rising in anger. "I know…..I know about the nights you lay awake not sleeping because you're wracked with guilt. I know the times you've cut your own skin because of the nightmares in your head, the voices that won't stop. I know about all of the days you won't eat because you don't even deserve that" He gave a bitter huff. "Little streak of nothing…yeah…because you do it to yourself! Stop trying to lie to me…I'm the one person you can't lie to! I know every single person that you've seen die, that you've let down and I feel the guilt you feel. Its unbearable…unmanageable. Just when you thought you'd finally gotten to a better place, a long I came to remind you what you are. Every time you see me, I remind you of what you are!"

"That isn't true!" The Doctor shouted, his skin flushing red with anger. "You know nothing!" The Doctor knew that every word that John was saying was true but if he denied it, maybe he could convince him he was wrong. He didn't want anyone to know about those thoughts he harbored, the ones that made him hurt himself, inflict pain and punishment on himself because of the wrong he'd done others much less have to talk about it. John was the dangerous version of himself that he told himself he was past; but the truth was he knew that part of that person was still inside him.

"Are you going to hit me?" John asked, his eyes falling to the fist that the Doctor had unknowingly raised in his anger. After a moment, he looked up and met the Doctor's eyes. "Although, we both know that you'd much rather I hit you"

The Doctor's hand fell down to his side, once again startled by John. There was something very unnerving about someone knowing your every thought and feeling, even for a telepath. He felt anger; there was no doubt about that. But there was something else under the surface, something that made his dual hearts beat faster. Rather than analyze what it was, he turned and began to walk away from John. "I'm not having this discussion with you" he muttered under his breath.

"You don't have to have a discussion with me…..you only have to hit me" John said care freely behind him. "I won't even stop you…..I'll gladly welcome it. Just like you would"

Something inside the Doctor snapped. One second he was walking out of the console room, the next he had John by the t-shirt, smashing him into the console, white hot rage blinding him. He should have hit him, looking at him with that knowing smile. He was taunting him…he was _asking _for it. He should do it…..but he couldn't. He could feel the beat of John's single heart increase, his scent change ever so subtly as his muscles tensed for the hit that wasn't going to come; all of it mixed together in the Doctor's awareness and it made him stop cold. The hesitation was only a few seconds, but it was enough for John to escape his grasp. He surveyed the Doctor with piercing eyes, his heart still beating too quickly for the Doctor's comfort; he tried not to notice that the pace was as quick as his own. His moment of weakness was enough to tell John he was right.

"What's the matter, _Doctor? _" John asked, his voice taking on a taunting tone and looking at the Doctor as if he was something small to be devoured. "Can't do it?" He walked closer to the Doctor, his eyes level with his own and boring into him. "Go on…..hit me"

The Doctor's anger bubbled inside him like a potion of hatred; he was annoyed, sleep deprived and grief stricken. He should have no problem at all hitting him…..but for some reason he couldn't. "You really just want to back off" The Doctor said, putting as much malice as possible into his voice.

John was not convinced. "Trying to scare me?" John asked, his face turning into a smile of satisfaction. "I'm not scared of you…..I _want _you to hit me. So…..come on…..have at it"

"I swear if you don't shut up….." The Doctor started, his head pounding and his nerves shot.

John grinned. "You'll do what?" he asked. Before waiting for a reply, John reached out and pushed the Doctor in the chest; not hard enough to hurt or make him fall, just enough to taunt him and make him feel insignificant. Irritation rose inside him at the action but rather than act it made him freeze. Taking advantage of his inaction, John pushed him again once, twice, three times. The Doctor's skin heated with anger and his pulse raced in his ears.

"Ah…..you feel that?" John asked, his eyes lightening with the same excitement he knew his did when something new was happening. "Quickening pace, increased respiratory action, rush of endorphins?"

The Doctor felt his cheeks burn with embarrassment; all of that was true but he couldn't stand the idea that John was making it out like he was getting some kind of sick enjoyment out of this. "I feel nothing…..nothing but anger. What the hell is wrong with you?"

John laughed, increasing the Doctor's ire. "It must be so strange for you" he said, tilting his head as he surveyed the Doctor. "That must work on the others. You're used to spewing lies and hiding your feelings and no one's the wiser. But you can't lie to me…..you can't hide anything from me. Just realize that now and we can help each other out so much better"

"I don't need any bloody help from you!" The Doctor spat back. He really didn't; he needed John to disappear.

John smiled, looking down at his feet before meeting the Doctor's eyes again. The Doctor could sense a flood of excitement rushing through him and it made the Doctor nervous. "Okay….you're going to do it the hard way" he said, his voice calm and resigned.

Before the Doctor even had a chance to process John's words, he felt a smack to the face. His skin stung where John's hand had connected with his face; when he looked back at him prepared to give a retort, John slapped him again on the other side of his face, this time harder. His skin lit with pain, spreading like fire across his face; his hands went up to his face to shield himself from further attack but the next burst of pain he felt was a knee to the stomach, causing him to fall.

The Doctor fell back onto the hard, metal grating of the TARDIS floor, the grooves digging into his back as his gripped his stomach. His eyes clenched in pain before opening to see John standing over him with that still bloody satisfied face on him. "What is wrong with you?" the Doctor asked, attempting to get up but he was thwarted when John crashed down against him, pinning him to the floor with his own body, his arms pressing the Doctor's over his head and away from any attempt to stop him.

"You're going to regret this" The Doctor said, his breath coming out in labored bursts, his chest straining against John's. He was going to regret this; he would hurt him when this was over…..he not only was asking for it now, he was _demanding _it. No one could beat him and just get away with it. His hearts raced, from anger, he knew.

"You know…. I don't think I am" John said with a happy grin, his hands digging harder into the Doctor's wrists to keep him on the ground. "You're not going to hurt me…..not now at least. You're enjoying this"

"You're mental….completely mental if you think I'm enjoying this" The Doctor retorted. John didn't answer him with words but actions.

John got off of the Doctor just long enough to pull him off the floor with his shirt and push him toward the TARDIS console. The Doctor lost his foot from the hard push and with the momentum, John threw him into the console. The Doctor could feel buttons and levers press into his back painfully as John leaned against him on the console with painful pressure. John's face leaned down so close so that he could see every line, every freckle etched there as he took too much joy in the pain that he was inflicting on the Doctor. The Doctor could have fought him, could have won; he was time lord while John was half human. He was stronger and yet he was willingly letting himself be dominated. What was wrong with him?

"Ready to admit it, Doctor?" John asked, his breath so close that the Doctor could feel it against his nose and lips. "Ready to admit that you're enjoying being hurt?"

"Why would I enjoy being hurt?" The Doctor asked, keeping his voice harsh and hard to make like his hearts weren't beating with excitement as John's hands gripped his shoulders and pressed him hard into the console, his back screaming in pain.

"Because you deserve it" John hummed, his voice low and dangerous as his eyes took on a dark glint. "You enjoy pain…..we both know you do. You do it to yourself but oh how many times you've dreamed of someone doing it to you instead. You enjoy this because you need it. You've made so many mistakes that you need someone to hurt you in response."

The Doctor felt excitement and shame rush through his veins and pool in his belly at the words. He _did _deserve this; how many mistakes he'd made, how many lives he'd ruined. He deserved to be hurt, hurt even worse than this. _Someone just do it already…._and now someone _was _doing it. Someone that knew his every need and desire whether he wanted to admit it or not. That didn't mean he was going to give in without a fight, though. "I'm that easily cracked, I'm afraid" The Doctor retorted, giving John a teasing smile.

John smiled back, mirroring the Doctor's and he could hear John's single heart beating against his chest. "Okay…..then…..here we go" John purred.

The Doctor was bracing for anything when he felt John's fingers work through his hair, gripping it as he pulled it, using it to yank the Doctor up. _Going right for the big guns…_Rose had always said that his hair had a life of its own in this incarnation. She'd always been fond of the way he could melt into a puddle of time lord goo when she ran her fingers lightly through it. But just as easily as it could be used for pleasure, it could be used for pain and the Doctor bit his tongue to resist the urge to scream as his scalp screamed in pain. John maintained a strong grip on his sensitive follicles until he slammed his against the metallic wall of the console room. The Doctor's face was pressed into the wall as John leaned against him; he let go of his hair and with a second he had used his freed hands to slam the Doctor's face against the wall a few times, making his already sore places throb with pain. For not the first time, the Doctor was glad for his body's ability to repair quickly; he wouldn't have wanted Rose to ask questions in the morning.

The Doctor was too focused on the pain in his face to notice John's hands going back to his hair until he was pulling back yet again. A small gasp issued from the Doctor's mouth in pain and surprise before he was able to bite it back; he didn't want to give John the satisfaction.

"Go on then, Doctor" John purred, his breath on the Doctor's ear. "Let it out…hurts doesn't it?"

John gave the Doctor's hair another firm tug before slamming him into the wall again. The Doctor bit down on his tongue until he tasted blood. "If you know me like you claim to know me, then you'll know I will do no such thing"

John laughed, the sound still very close to the Doctor's ear but he couldn't look back enough to see John. "Oh…I do" he said knowingly. "But wouldn't it be so much easier if you did? I can't blame you…I'd do the same thing. But you've felt so much pain…..caused so much of it. It comes to you at night and taunts you. Nothing you do ever makes it feel better because you deserve to be punished. You deserve to be hurt in a small way that you've made others hurt and you know it. But even more than that you deserve to let….it….out…."

John was trying to make him scream; the Doctor knew that. He wanted him to give in and let it all out but just like his agreement to all of this (which is supposed he had agreed to it or they wouldn't still be here) it wouldn't be easy to get.

John turned the Doctor around so that he was facing him. The Doctor's hands rested against John's chest and with a fleeting thought, he tried to push him back, to fight someway even though his effort was weak and obviously lacked real malice against him. John pushed him against the wall and slapped the Doctor across the face, this time the hardest of all of his hits. "Ah….no hitting, Doctor" John said in a pleased and slightly mocking way, holding the Doctor's hands to prevent him lashing out. "I gave you a chance to hit me before and you didn't want it. Now, it's your turn. And you know you want it"

The Doctor felt a small flame of his anger flare inside his chest as his limbs tingled. He used his full wright and managed to push John off of him. "I do not!" he tried to argue, his voice rising but lacking some passion in it. A second later John was on him, pushing him to the ground. The Doctor's head hit the floor hard and before he had time to gather his bearings, John was onto of him, pinning him down. Hands closed around the Doctor's throat, digging hard into his flesh and cutting off his air supply.

John looked down at the Doctor, pretenses of joking wiped off of his face. Now he surveyed the Doctor with a look of hatred and disgust. "You're pathetic" he spat, his grip tightening around the Doctor's neck. "You are pitiful…..you call yourself Doctor. What a fraud you are, calling yourself a healer when all you do is destroy. You…..are….a…..fake…"

Something inside the Doctor snapped. A deep sense of panic was setting into the Doctor that had nothing to do without being able to breathe; his respiratory bypass would make sure that it was a while before he actually had to worry about oxygen. But the sense of loss of control that came from being held down and taunted made him feel panicked. He was not used to being out of control. And the worst part of it was that everything that John said was true.

"It's not my fault that Donna's gone…..it's yours" John taunted, not moving but it felt like a punch to the stomach. "You blame me because that's what you do…pawn off the blame on someone else. You justify the worst actions of yours by telling yourself someone else did it. You want to blame me for Donna having to leave, saying it was my creation that caused her pain. But it was you…if you'd never have brought her along she wouldn't be in danger. Even now her mind is in danger"

Guilt like icy tentacles wrapped around the Doctor's body and sucked the life out of him. "I…not….tru-"the Doctor tried to gasp out through John's strong grip. It couldn't be true; he couldn't believe that Donna would have been better off without him. She wouldn't have…..would she?

"Not true?" John asked, pressing himself further down on the Doctor so that he look into his eyes, mere inches from his face. "Oh…..but you know it is. That's what the problem is. You know you're a sickness, a plague. You destroy everything that you touch and that's why you can't look at me"

The Doctor felt emotion thick in his throat and he tried, unsuccessfully, to wiggle out of John's grasp. What physical strength he'd had to fight back seemed to be gone now as panic filled him. What John was saying was true; he knew deep inside himself it to be true. But these were thoughts that he tried so hard to push away, to squelch and make disappear. These thoughts were the ones that made him desperate…made him hurt himself.

John let go of the Doctor's throat, as if anticipating and hoping for a response. The Doctor coughed and sputtered as he felt the pressure release and he could breathe yet again. "You….are…..wrong" The Doctor said through clenched teeth and with a raspy breath. "I help people…I don't want to hurt anyone"

John laughed mirthlessly. "You don't want to hurt anyone" he agreed. "And yet you keep acting in ways that let others get hurt" John's hands worked through his hair yet again, making his scalp tingle in anticipation before he yanked the Doctor's head up to meet his own. The Doctor's forehead touched John's and he could feel the tremble of an untapped bond at the touch. Even though John was half human, he knew that he had telepathic capabilities. It was what caused him to be so damn _aware _of him all of the time. Part of the Doctor wanted, ached even, to reach out and touch his mind to John's; he hadn't had a telepathic touch for so, so long. But he knew that he couldn't do that; if he started that, he'd _need _John and he didn't want to need him.

"If you really wanted to help people…..to protect them, you'd have nothing to do with them" John said, his face twisted with malice so close the Doctor could barely make it out. John showed no indication that he felt the nagging sensation of the bond between them. He didn't seem to share the itching sensation in his mind that the Doctor did.

"But you don't do that, do you?" John asked, his voice loud and echoing in the Doctor's ears. "You need people and so you don't consider what danger you put them in, you simply bring them. You'd rather have them for a short time to keep yourself happy even if it ruins their lives"

The Doctor's throat ached in a way that had nothing to do with the pressure John had put on it. It was true; he knew it was dangerous to bring humans with him. They were so gentle and breakable. But they were so wonderful and amazing and he just had to have them. He was selfish.

John let go of the Doctor's head and threw it back so that he hit the floor again. The Doctor felt a cold ache where their foreheads had touched and now disconnected.

"You're not even going to try and defend yourself, are you?" John spat in disgust as he looked down at the Doctor. "You can't defend yourself because you know it's true. You know you're selfish"

"Why should I try to defend myself?" The Doctor asked, his voice small as he felt now. How could he defend his sins from the one person who had seen them all? "You know what I've seen"

John looked down at the Doctor with judgment in his eyes but a small smile beginning on his face. "Say it" he urged, anxious for the Doctor to admit what he had done.

The Doctor couldn't; he didn't want to put into words all the evil he knew of himself to be true. "No" he said defiantly. "I won't"

John's eyes flickered with pleasure at the defiance. "I said, say it. Now" he commanded, grabbing the Doctor by the shirt and pulling him up to look into his eyes. Energy crackled between them and the Doctor could smell the hormones heavy in the air; John smelled similar to him but he was human and with that brought his own uniqueness. As much as the Doctor had secretly longed for domination, he was not submissive and it went against his nature to give in so easily.

So, with as much daring in his eyes and tone as he could manage, he looked back at John. "No" he said simply, daring him. He knew John would take the bait; they were already too far into this now to end now.

John's face flickered with a smile before he composed himself and fixed the Doctor with a hard stare. Anticipation flooded through the Doctor's body, tingling down to his toes and settling low in his abdomen. John stood up from him, grabbing the Doctor by the shirt and jerking him up from the floor. Once standing, John put a vice grip on his shoulders and steered him down the hallway. The Doctor was quite sure he knew what John hade in mind; at least he knew what he would do in this situation and the thought of it made his body tense in anticipation before they had even reached John's room. He knew if he was right about what John would do, he deserved it.

John pushed his bedroom door open and shoved the Doctor inside, letting go of his shoulder long enough to close the door behind them. The Doctor stood at the foot of John's bed, watching between him and surveying the room he hadn't been in before. He'd had no need or desire to come anywhere close to John's room before; he could see now it looked eerily like his own.

John walked from the door, his face remaining resolute as he came to stand in front of the Doctor. The Doctor couldn't read his expression but could feel the crackle of expectation coming off of him thick. "So…..are you going to admit it now?" John asked. "Are you going to admit the truth of what you are? Why you dislike so much looking at me, your own mirror image. You should, you know…..get it out now. I would"

The Doctor resisted the urge to laugh; John was baiting him. He was giving him one last out, a way out of this before he continued and things got too intense. But he was lying and they both knew it; John wouldn't have given up if the roles had been reversed. "I'm not admitting anything" the Doctor said, giving him a daring grin. "I can see you might be reluctant to back out now….."

John laughed, a true, chilling, cold laugh. "I'm not backing out….though you will wish I did" he challenged. "You need this…but even more than that you deserve it. To be beaten…..to scream"

"I would like to see you make me scream" The Doctor dared. Nerves twisted in his belly and down his back as excitement burst through his hearts. John would take the bait and he knew it.

"I would like that too" John said with a true smile on his face. He closed the small space between the two of them. The Doctor could sense his thoughts a second before they happened and he was tensing for it when John's knee connected with his stomach, doubling him over in pain. As stars danced in front of his eyes, John pushed the Doctor backwards onto the bed. Pain was shooting through the Doctor's stomach when he felt his t-shirt being pulled over his head. Thrown off by the unexpected and unwanted motion, the Doctor pushed at John. "What are you doing?" he asked, alarmed as John managed to wiggle the garment over his head.

_Slam!_ John's fist connected with the Doctor's jaw and when he looked up at him, he saw dark eyes staring down at him. "You don't get to speak anymore…..not unless it's to apologize."

It wasn't often that the Doctor became speechless; in fact, he couldn't remember the last time that he became speechless. But, though it went against everything in his nature, he felt his tongue still at the words. Well, he wasn't going to apologize and he sure wasn't going to scream so he remained silent.

The Doctor's throat was tight and growing warm as John worked the clothes off of his lower half, leaving him stark naked. He could feel his cheeks warm in embarrassment; this was unexpected. He thought he knew what John had up his sleeve but he was obviously wrong. The Doctor felt somewhat paralyzed as he lay on the bed, John's critical gaze looking him over. The Doctor felt completely humiliated; he knew part of that was ridiculous. After all, John was like him physically in every way so he had very little to be embarrassed about. But there was something about being exposed like this that made him feel completely humiliated. And that was, of course, the point.

John afforded a few more seconds of open staring, giving the Doctor a look of disgust before grabbing him roughly by the hair and yanking him off of the bed. Though a sense of relief came over him that the bed was not part of this experience, he was nervous and tense as John pushed him down onto the floor, kneeling by the foot of the bed. "You stay" John barked as he placed the Doctor where he wanted him and walked across the room. The Doctor was tempted to glance back and see what John was doing but something told him that was a bad idea. Everything about John's demeanor now said that he was completely disgusted and fed up with the Doctor; even his mind's energy was full of darkness and hatred, all directed toward him and he could feel it like a black cloud hanging over his head. The Doctor hung his head and stared down at the plush carpet that he was kneeling on; he deserved to have him think all of those dark things at him. Everything he was thinking he was was true.

The Doctor was immersed in his own thoughts of self- pity when he felt something painful smack across his back. Taken by surprise, the air in his lungs burst out of him in a half gasp.

"What's that?" John asked, his voice dangerously close to his ear. "Do I hear a whimpering time lord already?"

The Doctor felt the hot graze of what he was sure was some sort of whip across his back burning but he was not close to giving up yet. Remembering John's command to not speak, he shook his head vigorously.

"It sounded like it to me" John taunted. "But…..I wouldn't be surprised if you were. You've always been weak, haven't you?"

_Slap! _The Doctor bit down so hard he could taste a rush of blood on his tongue. "I'm not weak!" he gasped out, momentarily forgetting not to speak. He just had to defend himself in some way.

He paid dearly for his outburst; _Slap! Slap! Slap! _The Doctor's back was completely alight; he gripped the foot of the bed, trying to direct his pain away but it was difficult. "I said no talking!" John hissed. "Always talking, you. Always talking and never saying the right things. You've had plenty of time to talk, to defend yourself. Not now"

The Doctor felt moisture sting his eyes as he felt the crack of the whip against his flesh again, from the curve of his shoulder all the way down to his buttocks. He gasped, holding most of it in but unable to contain himself completely. Maybe this wasn't going to be as easy as he thought.

"Feel it yet?" John asked, his lips now touching the Doctor's ear as they moved. "Feel that terrible ache, that need of something needing to get out?"

The Doctor _did _feel it; he was quite used to the sensation of desperation, of so much need bursting out of him he couldn't deal. He'd never found a way to alleviate the pain completely, only ways to cope with it temporarily. It started in the middle of his chest and spread outward through his body; emotional need translated in such deep pain he wanted to scream in anguish. But still he resisted.

"Maybe you need some more persuasion?" John asked. _Slap! Slap! _Liquid spilled over the top of one of the Doctor's eyelids and rolled down his face as his whole body ached. "I know you want to give in…..want to admit your weakness. But you're trying to be strong. I admire that" John's hand knit into his hair, his fingernails digging into his scalp like needles as his other hand hit him again. "But it's not necessary with me"

_Slap! Slap! _The Doctor closed his eyes and breathed deeply through the pain. When John let go of him, the Doctor collapsed against the headboard, his knuckles white from hanging on so tightly. He was shaking from head to toe, every inch from his shoulders to his backside burning and aching deeply. He knew it wouldn't be long now; it hurt so terribly and John was so understanding…

"Maybe it would be easier if Rose was here?" John asked, amusement in his voice. The statement made the Doctor's blood run cold.

"What?" He couldn't resist.

_Slap! _The Doctor's hands shook so hard that he couldn't hold onto the bed anymore. "I said…..maybe Rose would convince you to give in? Oh, but she doesn't know, does she? She doesn't really know you does she? Know what you're capable of"

Dread was settling down heavy in the Doctor stomach; he didn't want to think about Rose. He didn't want to think about John and Rose and himself. He'd been avoiding thinking about that ever since John had showed up.

"You'll remember I got all of your memories and experiences" John said with entirely too much glee in his voice. "I got all of those memories with Rose too"

Anger and embarrassment flared up and made the Doctor's sore cheeks flame with heat. He didn't want John to know about that; that was sacred. It should be private. "Don't talk about that" the Doctor said through clenched teeth. He expected and knew he deserved the slap he received to the backside.

"Ah, don't worry, dear Doctor" John said slyly. "I'm not going to tell anyone. It's just between you and me. You've trusted Rose with your body but you've not let her anywhere near your mind. You know what she'd think if she knew the real truth inside that dark head of yours"

The Doctor was, for once, glad that he was facing away from John so he didn't have to look at him. It was true; he loved Rose and he had given into her all ways human. But he had not shared himself with her by time lord standards. He hadn't shared his mind with her; he did everything possible to make sure that she didn't know about his past. Because John was right; he knew exactly what Rose would think. She'd surely think he was a monster and he couldn't bear to see the fear and disgust in her eyes.

The Doctor felt a slap against his back and he collapsed against the floor. He moaned, dissolving into a puddle on the floor. He was almost there and John knew it but some part of him still wanted to hang on. He was at war with himself, wanting to keep up appearances but that aching, needing thing inside him _needed _to get out.

"Say it….tell me what she'd see" John commanded again.

"No" the Doctor said, bracing himself for the slap across his back. He dug his fingers into the carpet and called out in pain, just barely suppressing a scream.

"It's time to give it up, Doctor" John said, "Admit and you'll feel better"

"No" the Doctor said again. He couldn't hold back the scream this time as his face fell into the carpet. He would not be able to do it again and John knew it.

John grabbed him by the back of his head, his hair twisted painfully in John's fingers as he pulled his head up. "Say it!" John screamed in the Doctor's ear.

The Doctor was about to voice it, finally admit what he had done when he felt a searing, red hot pain shoot through his head. It was so completely unexpected and painful that the Doctor could feel the screams and whimpers tearing through his throat.

John was hurting him telepathically, using his mind against him. The Doctor knew that John was capable of some telepathic abilities but the power behind his mind right now told the Doctor that he had underestimated his abilities.

It hurt so terribly that the Doctor didn't know how he could stand it; surely he would go mad with pain. The physical pain of being beaten had seemed so bad but it was nothing at all compared to how bad the mental pain was. For so long, the Doctor had longed for telepathic touch; for so long it was cut off from him. But as good as it could feel to touch minds, it could also bring unendurable pain.

As John attacked his mind from the inside out, the Doctor's thoughts were desperate and impossible to form. He just wanted it to stop.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry…Stop!"

The second that the words were out of his mouth, John's mind pulled away from the Doctor's and he became once more aware of himself. Lying on the floor, curled up and shivering, he was fully aware of the truth of John's words. He _was _right…..everything he said with right. He was threatened by John's presence. Every time he saw John, he was reminded of the man that he was. He had blamed John, saying that his darkness was the one the Doctor used to have. But what made him so angry, what made him burn with hate inside was that he knew that wasn't the truth. He resented John because every time he saw him he was reminded that the Doctor was a lie. He was trying to cover his darkness by acting like a hero that he wasn't. He wanted to get rid of John so he could continue to live with the delusion that he was the savior of the universe instead of the destroyer of worlds. John held all of the darkness that the Doctor did but he wasn't the same as him. He was _better…._he was _human. _He was dark but he was the same as Rose; one day he feared that the two of them wouldn't need him anymore. John and Rose had everything to gain while the Doctor had everything to lose. And the worst part of it was that he knew he deserved it. With everything he had done, he didn't deserve anything but pain and suffering and loss.

"Please stop!" The Doctor begged, his voice wobbling painfully even though John had stopped the moment he had spoken. "Stop! No more…..I'm sorry, really I am"

The Doctor was crying and he couldn't even be bothered to care how it looked. He'd denied the pain and fear he felt so long that he had to let it out now. He could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand up as he was aware that John kneeled down beside him.

"You're right" The Doctor gasped, his chest hurting from the sobbing and guilt of his past actions. "You're completely right….I don't want anyone to see…especially not Rose….the things I've done…..the people I've killed…she can't know…don't…" The Doctor fell face forward onto the floor, completely spent physically and emotionally. He wanted nothing more than to disappear into nothingness and not have to face his demons.

The Doctor felt a hand graze along the skin of his back but it was so gentle it was hard to believe that it belonged to John. Fingers danced along the forming welts on his back. "Let it out…let it all go" John whispered, his voice smooth and close to the Doctor's ear.

The Doctor wanted to argue, wanted to put on a brave face but he had waited too long. It always happened when he had gone this long without a release that it got to the point that he couldn't stop it and it had been quite an eventful couple of weeks. He wept into the carpet, feeling pain prickle along his back and at the edges of his mind for a long while before he managed to catch his breath and slowly still his release. He focused on John's gentle motions to calm himself down.

"I don't want to be your enemy" John said when the Doctor had stopped crying finally. "I don't want you to hate me…I don't hate you. Let me help you, Doctor. Don't be afraid to need me….I'm not going anywhere"

It was not often that someone wanted to help the Doctor. He was used to being the one people begged to save him. Most of the time he preferred it that way; but sometimes…he wanted help. No one really could help him in the ways he needed; he could never explain what he needed. But with John none of that would matter; he already knew all of the darkness in him and he knew without even asking what he needed. He had resented the connection between him and John ever since the day he was created but now he could see it maybe wasn't a bad thing.

The Doctor looked up from his spot on the floor up to John. In the face that so looked like his, he didn't seem anger or disgust like he'd seen all night; he saw compassion and understanding and it filled him with relief. Was this what other people felt when he helped them?

Without another word, John helped the Doctor up off of the floor. He was immediately brought completely aware of all of the injuries along his back and his unusual nakedness. He should have been embarrassed as John helped him hobble toward the bed and maybe he was a little bit. But the mind that had ripped through his so painfully was now edging toward his with calm, reassuring energy and he couldn't help but be comforted.

John helped the Doctor gingerly lay on the bed on his stomach, avoiding the painful welts along his back, shoulders and buttocks. The Doctor closed his eyes, suddenly unbelievably tired even though his body felt like it was on fire. There was something right, something redemptive about the pain, about the suffering; part of him knew he needed this, deserved this. Now that he had this, he could let go. He could hear some movement around the room and for a moment, the Doctor feared that John was going to leave him; odd, seeing as how that was exactly what he had thought he had wanted an hour ago. But a minute later, he felt the bed shift beside him as John sat down beside him.

The Doctor gasped sharply as he felt a hand and something cold on his back. For a moment he felt like recoiling but soon relaxed when John's hands began to smooth along his wounds with a cool cream; the Doctor's nose was filled with a scent of lotion that he instantly recognized as one John wore . The pain and the fire along his skin melted away with every touch of John's hands and he found himself sinking into the plush of John's bed and he could smell John's uniquely human-time lord scent heavily.

"Why are you doing this?" The Doctor found himself asking before he could stop himself. When he turned his head and looked to John he saw he looked sad.

"Because I know" John said, his voice full of sorrow. "I know you. I _am _you….but at the same time I'm not you. I know how heavy the burden you carry; it's too much. I know that you have to feel pain in order to make the guilt go away. I know that because I feel that too. We share that need."

The Doctor recognized what John was saying; the same darkness in himself was one that John had, one he would need resolved as well. "We could really end up hurting each other, you know?" The Doctor said with a mirthless laugh. There was only so much pain he had been able to inflict on himself but now that he had a willing partner, there was no telling the pain he could go through. Or, the pain he could inflict; with John at his mercy, there was no telling what he would do.

John smiled but his smile was less gloomy. "That we could" he agreed. "But there's something else as well. We can help each other. Because I know as much as you want to hurt for the pain of such a long and dark life, you need this as well" John massaged his shoulders. "No one really gives you the comfort you need as well."

"Rose does" The Doctor argued. Rose was all he'd ever thought he'd needed. He'd been so long without her that to have her back was a miracle. She made life worth living; she made everything bright and beautiful instead of in shades of grey. She had saved his life.

"Rose tries" John said, "But she can only do what she thinks you need. You never admit any weakness to her so how can she help you?"

It was true; Rose helped him in so many ways. She was vital to his existence but she couldn't help him in this way because he would never speak of it to her. He could never imagine telling Rose anything about any of this; she was too good and pure for such darkness. "You're right" The Doctor relented, relaxing against John's touch again.

"I know I am" John said with a grin in his voice. "Rose is too good and we both know that. She also can't do this"

The hands that were on his back went to his head and he lost it. He lost all sense of himself as his mind was filled with John's. Small and vulnerable and yet dark and powerful, it hit the Doctor like a wave that both calmed him and excited every cell of his mind and body. So long he'd been without telepathic touch; he'd forgotten how good it could be. Now it burned like every need he'd ever had, meeting every ache as soon as the thought came to his mind.

After some time, he pulled back, his mind and awareness coming back to him slowly. John was smiling at him but he recognized the same labored breath he had in him as well. "Where are you going…..we've just gotten started?" John said, the tremble of his own need just barely evident.

The Doctor was reeling. "We…..we….." he started to say. He was so used to self-mutilation and denial he couldn't believe he could have this.

"Cant?" John supplied with a smile. "Why not?"

The Doctor laughed, his mind still raw and bristling with need. "I can't think of a single reason why not" he admitted. Somehow in this space he felt he could be honest.

"Well, then get over her, spaceman" John said, reaching his hands out. The Doctor's hands met John's head and on less than a second his mind exploded again.

…

The Doctor could not remember when he had felt more rested and at peace. As he walked down the corridors, running a hand through his already completely tousled hair, he was aching from head to toe and yet completely at ease. The pyjamas he had just put on rubbed his wounds painfully but there was a bitter sweetness in the burn. His mind was calm, free of the guilt that was his constant companion, rested and…_happy. _He couldn't see how he could feel better when he walked into the kitchen and saw he was wrong.

_Rose…_

Rose was already sitting at the kitchen table, sipping tea, the absolute picture of beauty. Her hair was messy, her face still showing the signs of fatigue. She was wearing one of his t-shirts which barely came past her waist, her pink knickers peeking out every few seconds. The sight was enough to take his breath away.

"Morning, sleepyhead" Rose said, looking up from her tea and noticing the Doctor standing in the doorway. "Must have doused off somewhere finally, though you never did come to bed." Rose pouted slightly, making it obvious she missed his presence.

Before Rose had another chance to speak, the Doctor had his arms wrapped around her and hands knotted in her hair. He captured her lips, taking strength from the taste of her lips, the speed of her heartbeat, the slight tremble of her under his hands. When the Doctor finally pulled back, Rose was smiling at him, her cheeks deliciously flushed.

"Hmmmmm…sleep did you some good" Rose said, biting her lip as she put her hands on his chest. He felt a flutter in his dual hearts.

"I'm definitely not sleepy now" The Doctor said, his voice coming out husky despite his efforts not to.

They were locked together in a tangle of lips and wandering hands, the Doctor deciding to forgo breakfast for a different kind of satisfaction when they were pulled out of themselves.

"Oi! You two get a room" John said, his voice slipping into his Donnaish tone like it did sometimes, as he walked into the room. When they pulled apart, the Doctor could see a devilish smile on John's face as he sat down at the table and poured some tea. As Rose sat back down at the table, the Doctor could see John's gaze on himself. A smug grin passed over his face before he turned his attention toward Rose. The Doctor resisted the urge to smile; _smart ass…_

"You two must be wearing off on each other even more" Rose observed with a smile as the Doctor sat down next to her. "You both slept half of the morning away."

The Doctor felt a blush creep up his neck but when he looked at John there was no sign of embarrassment. They both slept so long because they were sleeping together; while nothing had happened in the sense that Rose would believe, it was not a conversation he wanted to have with her. He was sure that she would take it the wrong way no matter what excuse he had used.

"Ah…finally got some sleep?" John asked with a raised eyebrow toward the Doctor. "What finally did the trick to lull you to sleep?"

John was looking at the Doctor with an amused grin and the Doctor kicked him under the table. He smiled when John struggled to keep his composure. While John had given him a gift in helping him so much last night, that didn't mean he couldn't still be insufferable too. "Just passed out" The Doctor said" Body must have just finally gotten exhausted enough"

"How fortunate" John said, "You must have really been tired. Have sweet dreams?"

The Doctor's ears blushed redder and he felt Rose's eyes on him curiously. He had experienced the best sleep he'd ever had the previous night. His sleep had not been without dreams though; John's consciousness had kept pressing into his own, whether on purpose or accident the Doctor didn't know.

The Doctor kicked John under the table, this time hard enough for him to wince in pain. _That's a preview of what you're going to get next time, especially if you keep being so cheeky with me, _the Doctor thought toward John.

Despite his watery eyes, John smiled at him. _Look forward to it, Doctor, _John thought back, rubbing his knee under the table.

"What's up with you two?" Rose asked, curiosity and amusement in her tone as she looked from one to the other of them. "You're kicking each other under the table like kids. Do I need to make you two kiss and make up?"

The Doctor grinned but tried to put malice in his look toward John but he failed. "That won't be necessary" he said, taking Rose's hand and giving it a squeeze. "I think John and I have come to an understanding"

"Which is?" Rose asked, raising her eyebrow in suspicion.

"I hate him" The Doctor said, trying to sound like he meant it as he looked at the mirror image of himself.

"Doctor!" Rose chided, elbowing him. "That's a terrible thing to say"

The Doctor smiled because he could already sense what John would say. "That's alright Rose, I hate him too" he said with a smile. Even though it meant Rose was going to scold them for a lengthy bit of time, they both agreed it was alright because it shielded her from their terrible darkness. She could remain innocent and they could still share their twisted darkness.


End file.
